Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Randomize
