WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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