apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
