I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
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You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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