And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
