my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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