just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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