fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
