She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
