I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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