nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
