Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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