Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
