I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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