I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
