my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
