If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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