how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
