I look better un-naked...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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