I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
