Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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