I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
