Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
