my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
These tits shall not be calmed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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