I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
