My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize