saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
