Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
