when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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