I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
