if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
