As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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