You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
