Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did I show you my penis last night?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
