3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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