before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.