giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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