i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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