my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
