Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
