we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
