And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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