Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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