True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
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My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Randomize