if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
