I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
