dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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