If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
