yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
