That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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