I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
