I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
