Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
