can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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